Friday, May 4, 2012

This is probation, not vacation...

Everyday on the way in to work I imagine that my life should have a soundtrack and I should surely be riding in slow motion down 35W, windows down, starbucks in hand, going the exact speed limit, shirt tucked in while the music blares "they see me rollin, they hatin, patrollin they tryin to catch me ridin dirty..."

I am a probation officer. I am not a cop. Those aren't the same thing. I don't wear a uniform, I don't get a flashy car with lights (just a white car with the county logo on the side), I don't carry a gun, nor have I cuffed anyone, but I have had people arrested. I just make the cops do the hard part :)  The most physical I have gotten is a handshake, and even that is almost always unwelcomed.  But, don't be fooled, this job has the potential to be extremely dangerous and I have law enforcement grade pepper spray and an "adult probation" windbreaker and I know how to use them!
Sometimes I just say I am a babysitter since its essentially the same thing.  If you are wondering if you might also be a probation officer, here are some things I have experienced and they may help you determine if you are a probation officer, too.

If you have ever had to wipe your feet AFTER you leave someone's home.
If you have ever been to a home where there was so much bird shit from the pet parrot that you couldn't walk through the house.
If you know people who think its YOUR job to get them a job.
If you have been told the reason a drug test is positive is because an ex was trying to get even and spiked the punch with cocaine.
If you have been told the dentist instructed him to put cocaine on his tooth for pain.
If you have been told sexual intercourse passed the methampetamine from his body to hers, causing the positive drug test.
If Med-Star ambulance visits your office more than often than the white house has a sex scandal.
If you've ever told someone to shower and get a job in the same day, and its not your child.
If you go into a house and there is no floor and the roof is leaking, but there is a brand new 60' Plasma TV.
If your answer to everything is "first, get the breathalyzer."
If you walk into a bar and the bar clears.
If your idea of a "round up" is throwing on a bullet proof vest and checking homes and bars.
If you don't have to talk to someone... you can just read their tattoos.
If your ringtone is "Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do..."
If a male has followed you into a female bathroom. (and subsequently went to jail)
If your idea of a bracelet is double hinged handcuffs.
If you have ever seen a grown woman pee in a cup.
If you have ever seen a 400 lb grown woman pee in a cup.
If you have ever seen a 400 lb grown woman pee in a cup and then try to go ahead with "number 2."
If the most expensive piece of jewelry you ever give someone is an electronic monitoring bracelet.
If you have ever seen more infectious disease than the community outreach center.
If you have seen a grown man with a piece of bologna in between his ankle monitor and his leg.
If you have ever found a baggie of weed at work (and it really wasn't yours).
If known gang members have tried to bring illegal knives into your building.
If you have used the words "being a felon sure is inconvenient, isn't it?"
If you have to go out of town to party and have a good time.
If your friends ask you to run a check on the baby daddy.
If your idea of a good read is someone's criminal history.
If you've ever taken a urine or hair sample from someone and then gone straight to lunch.
If you have to do a background check on everyone you date.
If you have to avoid all the fastfood restaurants in town.
If you have EVER had a half hour conversation on the appropriate color of urine.
If you buy hand sanitizer and Lysol in bulk.
If 10 of the 20 people you talk to in the day have tooth.   (as opposed to teeth)
If every third phone call is "John Doe's mom."
If one of your on-the-job hazards is someone throwing a cup of their own pee at the wall.
If small children greet you with "Is daddy going away again?"

Take my word for it, there is some crazy mess going on out there. Listen to me. I am going to tell you how to stop this from being you. Hugs, not drugs. And, kids, stay in school.  BAM!! Prison population should go way down now that I told the secret. You're welcome.


  1. I think I've worked with some of these people.

  2. LOL nice list! I have a feeling I mentor some of these people.

  3. Lmao @ the bologna/ankle monitor thing. That's pretty creative.

  4. WOW. You made my day (or, should I say, night)! That is brilliant, Claire, you should circulate this at CSCD! lol :)