The real lessons of second grade

True story :
When I was in the second grade, the movie The Little Mermaid was very popular and it was my favorite movie! It still is.
Anyway, I once told one of my classmates that after I left school I went and turned into a mermaid and lived in the ocean with the characters from the movie. Why did I do it? Couldn't tell ya. Who DOESN'T wanna be a mermaid? So, the girl believed me for about a week and finally she brought it up to her mom. Her mom told her that I was a liar and to stop hanging out with me at all at school.
So, I lost a friend because I lied about becoming a mermaid in second grade.
Lesson learned.

Texas; shit it's hot.

“She'd grown up believing in hell in an abstract nightmare way; but west Texas had given her something more concrete upon which to dread the afterlife.”
― Cherie Priest, Dreadful Skin

Why, every summer, is there a plethora of pictures on facebook/twitter/*insert new social media here* of everyone's temperature gauge in their car? You know the ones. Sometimes its the weather channel forecast. Yep, it's gonna be hot. And not what a Minnesotan thinks is hot (because that's what I call cold), but burn-your-skin-off-on-freakin-grass hot. Why such discussion about how hot it is? *GUILTY!* We all know it's summer in Texas, and know it's always this hot, right?

Well, no, we don't know. By the time summer rolls around again, we have packed the memory of last year so far away, with other painful memories. Suppressed. Either that, or our damn brains have melted into a liquid pool in our skulls, susceptible to leaking out of our craniofacial orifices at any time. And maybe it does. Maybe that was line of drips I could not identify in my kitchen last week.
Why must the 7th circle of hades open up at my feet each June thru September? I open my front door to check the mailbox that's only 15 feet away, and a gust seeming of fire singes my eyelashes and eyebrows. Flambe`! Immediately, I feel the sunburn set in (SPF 50 be damned) and by the time I get back inside, I am out-sweating my clinical-strength antiperspirant and only a brisk walk away from a full-blown heat stroke. I don't remember the geography lesson that showed the map of Texas lying smack-dab in the middle of the surface of the sun. Yet, there are certainly pools of molten lava bubbling at my feet and magma-dipped surfaces in my Volkswagen after a quick run into Target.
When the sun goes down, the earth sizzles, still radiating heat and recovering from another brutal, dehydrating day. My water bill is sky-high and my mascara has melted down to the tops of my socks.
The lawns are wilted, there are fried eggs on the sidewalks (ok, not really, but could be), the pools feel more like baths, and lets face it, urine, and the crime rate is up. WHY do we stay here in Texas when I know this is going to happen again next year? I could live in Portland, where Jason says he wants to move, or live in Connecticut where my Italian roots still lie, or in Maine or some other such northern state. Well, in the words of one literary legend:

“I have said that Texas is a state of mind, but I think it is more than that. It is a mystique closely approximating a religion. And this is true to the extent that people either passionately love Texas or passionately hate it and, as in other religions, few people dare to inspect it for fear of losing their bearings in mystery or paradox. But I think there will be little quarrel with my feeling that Texas is one thing. For all its enormous range of space, climate, and physical appearance, and for all the internal squabbles, contentions, and strivings, Texas has a tight cohesiveness perhaps stronger than any other section of America. Rich, poor, Panhandle, Gulf, city, country, Texas is the obsession, the proper study, and the passionate possession of all Texans.”
― John Steinbeck

YEE-HAW, I'm stayin another summer.

Do you believe in Magic... Mike that is.

One more day, ladies. It is our turn to objectify men a little with the release of the movie of the summer (says me), Magic Mike. I don't even have to see the movie and I can tell you that it was great! 2 thumbs up. 5 stars. Oscar, People's Choice, MTV award... bravo, encore, encore gentlemen.
Thank you, cast, for throwing all dignity to the side, permanently recorded on film, in the name of sexy.
There doesn't need to be a plot or Oscar-worthy acting skills. This movie is about the fine form of the male body that is Channing Tatum. I have had a huge crush on him since I saw him in "Step Up" with his now-wife Jenna Dewan (lucky broad). The movie is loosely based on his life as a stripper before he found fame. Now, why couldn't I have wandered into that club?
I jest, mostly, as truth be told, I have been to an actual male strip club only once in my life and it was for a friend's birthday. It was not fun at all. Maybe it was because the strippers were jerks and I was too young, not on drugs, not drunk and didn't have tons of cash. Or maybe it was because Channing wasn't there. I have made a vow to try out a better club once more before I die. Maybe it will be better. I attended a female burlesque in Vegas once called La Femme and it was amazing. Guys have a lot of catching up to do to reach that level of art form.
 I still consider myself a good Christian girl (usually), even though I am looking forward to such a movie. Is it my dark side? No, its my human side. The one God gave me. Jesus still loves me and I know because he tells me so. This girls night out is much overdue and a highly anticipated distraction for me at this time in my life. So, tomorrow night you can find me at BJ's brewhouse and then oogling at Studio Movie Grill. Say hey if you're around.
I'll leave you with this tidbit that echo my exact sentiments:
"You know magic Mike is going to be great when Matthew McConaughey is the least attractive of the group."
Happy viewing, ladies (and gents, too)!

PS. Yes, my husband knows all of this. It's no secret. And if his heartrate rises a little at reading this, I appreciate his healthy level of jealousy and I have 2 words for you, dear. Mila Kunis. Love you.

Happy birthday, Mom

It is my mom's birthday today. She would have been 56.  What a hard day. I am walking around heartbroken everyday.
My mom's sister, Cathy, came to town to spend time with me. Seeing my aunt makes me feel like a little piece of my mom is here. They have some similarities in the sound of their voices and their laughs but also, its important to me to be around people who loved my mom too. Who knew her. Who appreciated her. Who just "got" her. We even did something that my mom and I would have done today... even on her own birthday, she would have bought Lila some new baby clothes. And that is just what Cathy and I did. We also got Sprinkles cupcakes in honor of Mom. We also got a flower delivery from Ashley and a nice photobook of pictures she designed of Mom so that Lila can have a book of Grandma. It was such a great idea. I wrote Lila a little note  in the front of the book and made notes thru it so that Lila can always look and see Grandma, and her whole family for that matter.  I am so thankful for the support system that I do have, but I just cannot stop missing my mom and thinking of her. I never thought that her birthday last year would be our last together. I would give just about anything to bring her back.
Happy birthday, Mom. I love you.

Pretty birthday flowers and Lila Grace with her great Aunt Cathy (wearing a new outfit Cathy got her today!)

Confession:
 I hate today.
I miss my mom.
I feel lonely.
100 people could sit in this room and I would feel lonely.
11 days seems like a lifetime.
And last thought for today, I am starting to harbor major resentment to the Tarrant County medical examiners office since they won't tell me what happened even though they know! FU jerks

Loss

I am sorry I couldn't keep up with this blog so well lately. Maybe I can find comfort in rambling later. I was just getting started and my best friend, my mom left this world. So I just can't get my mind right. My mom was the most thoughtful, generous, considerate, funny, best person ever. Closest to a saint I knew.

Rest in peace, Mom.

June 2, 1956 - May 6, 2012

This is probation, not vacation...

Everyday on the way in to work I imagine that my life should have a soundtrack and I should surely be riding in slow motion down 35W, windows down, starbucks in hand, going the exact speed limit, shirt tucked in while the music blares "they see me rollin, they hatin, patrollin they tryin to catch me ridin dirty..."

I am a probation officer. I am not a cop. Those aren't the same thing. I don't wear a uniform, I don't get a flashy car with lights (just a white car with the county logo on the side), I don't carry a gun, nor have I cuffed anyone, but I have had people arrested. I just make the cops do the hard part :)  The most physical I have gotten is a handshake, and even that is almost always unwelcomed.  But, don't be fooled, this job has the potential to be extremely dangerous and I have law enforcement grade pepper spray and an "adult probation" windbreaker and I know how to use them!
Sometimes I just say I am a babysitter since its essentially the same thing.  If you are wondering if you might also be a probation officer, here are some things I have experienced and they may help you determine if you are a probation officer, too.

If you have ever had to wipe your feet AFTER you leave someone's home.
If you have ever been to a home where there was so much bird shit from the pet parrot that you couldn't walk through the house.
If you know people who think its YOUR job to get them a job.
If you have been told the reason a drug test is positive is because an ex was trying to get even and spiked the punch with cocaine.
If you have been told the dentist instructed him to put cocaine on his tooth for pain.
If you have been told sexual intercourse passed the methampetamine from his body to hers, causing the positive drug test.
If Med-Star ambulance visits your office more than often than the white house has a sex scandal.
If you've ever told someone to shower and get a job in the same day, and its not your child.
If you go into a house and there is no floor and the roof is leaking, but there is a brand new 60' Plasma TV.
If your answer to everything is "first, get the breathalyzer."
If you walk into a bar and the bar clears.
If your idea of a "round up" is throwing on a bullet proof vest and checking homes and bars.
If you don't have to talk to someone... you can just read their tattoos.
If your ringtone is "Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do..."
If a male has followed you into a female bathroom. (and subsequently went to jail)
If your idea of a bracelet is double hinged handcuffs.
If you have ever seen a grown woman pee in a cup.
If you have ever seen a 400 lb grown woman pee in a cup.
If you have ever seen a 400 lb grown woman pee in a cup and then try to go ahead with "number 2."
If the most expensive piece of jewelry you ever give someone is an electronic monitoring bracelet.
If you have ever seen more infectious disease than the community outreach center.
If you have seen a grown man with a piece of bologna in between his ankle monitor and his leg.
If you have ever found a baggie of weed at work (and it really wasn't yours).
If known gang members have tried to bring illegal knives into your building.
If you have used the words "being a felon sure is inconvenient, isn't it?"
If you have to go out of town to party and have a good time.
If your friends ask you to run a check on the baby daddy.
If your idea of a good read is someone's criminal history.
If you've ever taken a urine or hair sample from someone and then gone straight to lunch.
If you have to do a background check on everyone you date.
If you have to avoid all the fastfood restaurants in town.
If you have EVER had a half hour conversation on the appropriate color of urine.
If you buy hand sanitizer and Lysol in bulk.
If 10 of the 20 people you talk to in the day have tooth.   (as opposed to teeth)
If every third phone call is "John Doe's mom."
If one of your on-the-job hazards is someone throwing a cup of their own pee at the wall.
If small children greet you with "Is daddy going away again?"

Take my word for it, there is some crazy mess going on out there. Listen to me. I am going to tell you how to stop this from being you. Hugs, not drugs. And, kids, stay in school.  BAM!! Prison population should go way down now that I told the secret. You're welcome.